What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 02:02
It was going to be , some day.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
What does it mean when you dream that your mother died?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
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5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
What it is like to have sex with a relative woman?
My family never makes their pension either.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why does Rahul Gandhi have so many haters?
She was in good health!
I said to her
I was 9 years of age.
What is the best way to end a relationship with someone who has future plans with you?
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Why do many Hong Kong Chinese look different from the Han Chinese in mainland China?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was scared of men, in general
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Put me off passion for life!!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Why in my 60s do I have a strong desire to suck cock and swallow?
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Ive learnt so much.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
What are some reasons why people may fear strong men?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
All the time i was locked up.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Especially a lifetime of it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
We were not on the streets..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
When she asked me how she looked .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Was to survive, this bastard.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was very sick at this time too.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Would this be the day?
My life is so biszare .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Who then, do I blame.?
As i do to all so called friends.?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was seconnd youngest,
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She loved him until the end.
I waited trembling.
So whats the point in blame.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But, we were locked up after school.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
She wouldn,t have been !
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She married twice! .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I write beautiful poetry .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
This is soul school!.
I will be 64.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
What did i know ?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Comes on , in middle age.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We all went to grammer schools
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She found it foreign!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
One cannot live in the past .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I don,t even have a pension.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
But it wasn’t much.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And i lived it daily.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!